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How to Tell If You’re People Pleasing or Being Kind

October 15th, 2025
We all want to be kind. But sometimes, what looks like kindness on the outside is really people-pleasing underneath. The difference? Intention and cost.

When you’re being kind, you’re acting out of genuine care and choice. When you’re people-pleasing, you’re acting out of fear — fear of rejection, conflict, or disappointing someone.

Signs You’re People Pleasing
  • You say “yes” while your whole body is screaming “no.”
  • You feel resentful after helping because it drained you more than you could handle.
  • You’re motivated by avoiding conflict or disapproval, not by true generosity.
  • You abandon your own needs just to keep someone else comfortable.

Signs You’re Being Kind
  • You give freely without expecting something back.
  • You still have energy left for yourself after helping.
  • Your actions align with your values, not just with other people’s demands.
  • You can say no when you need to — and yes when you want to.

How to Check the Difference
When you’re unsure, ask yourself:
  • If I say yes, will I feel resentful later?
  • Am I afraid of what will happen if I say no?
  • Am I acting from Wise Mind — balancing reason and emotion — or just from fear?
  • Would I still choose this if no one judged me for it?

Moving From Pleasing to Genuine Kindness
  • Pause before you answer. Give yourself space to check in.
  • Use “small no’s.” Practice saying no in low-stakes situations so it feels safer.
  • Reframe kindness. Remember: honesty is a form of kindness too. Pretending to be okay when you’re not is actually unfair to both you and the other person.
  • Value sustainability. True kindness is giving in ways that don’t empty your tank.

Bottom Line
Being kind uplifts both you and the other person. People-pleasing might look kind, but it leaves you
drained, resentful, or disconnected from your own needs.

The real kindness? Showing up authentically — which sometimes means saying yes, and sometimes means saying no.

Quick Self-Check Question: Am I doing this out of fear, or out of choice?

Why Setting Boundaries Feels Mean (and Why It’s Not)

October 5th, 2025
If you’ve ever said “no” and instantly felt guilty, you’re not alone. So many of my clients tell me that setting boundaries makes them feel selfish, harsh, or even “mean.” But here’s the truth: boundaries are not about pushing people away — they’re about protecting your time, energy, and values so you can
actually show up more fully.

Why It Feels Mean
  • You’re used to people-pleasing. If your default is to say yes, saying no feels like breaking an
unspoken rule.
  • You fear disappointing others. Guilt shows up fast because you don’t want to let anyone down.
  • You confuse kindness with compliance. Being nice has gotten tangled with always being available.
  • Old patterns run deep. If you grew up in a family where your needs weren’t prioritized, putting yourself first can feel wrong — even dangerous.

Why It’s Not Mean
Boundaries aren’t rejection. They’re clarity. They’re the difference between resentment and respect.
  • Saying no leaves space for your yes to be genuine.
  • Limits create healthier relationships where expectations are clear.
  • Boundaries protect your energy so you don’t burn out.
  • Respecting yourself teaches others to respect you.

How to Reframe It
When guilt creeps in, ask yourself: “Am I being mean, or am I being clear?” Clarity may feel
uncomfortable, but it’s not cruelty.

Another reframe: “If I say yes when I mean no, am I really being kind — or am I being dishonest?”

Boundaries are acts of honesty, not punishment.

Practical Ways to Start
  • Use Wise Mind. Check if your guilt matches the facts or if it’s a leftover habit from people-pleasing.
  • Start small. Try saying no to something low-stakes, like declining an extra task at work.
  • Replace guilt with gratitude. Instead of “I feel bad for saying no,” try “I’m grateful I honored my limits.”
  • Practice scripts. “I don’t have capacity for that right now, but thank you for thinking of me.”

Bottom Line
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you mean — it makes you healthier. The people who truly care about you will adjust. And the more you practice, the more you’ll see that boundaries don’t push people away. They actually bring the right people closer.

Quick Reframe Question: Am I being mean, or am I being clear?

Why Your Anxiety Peaks at Night (and How to Manage It)

September 15th, 2025
You’re finally done with the day. The kids are in bed, work emails are closed, the house is (mostly) quiet… and then your brain kicks into overdrive.

Sound familiar?

Nighttime anxiety is common, and there are real reasons why it shows up more intensely after dark.

Why It Gets Worse at Night:
  • Less distraction. During the day, you’re busy — work, family, tasks. At night, the noise dies down, and your thoughts get louder.
  • Your body is tired. Fatigue makes it harder to regulate emotions, so worries feel bigger than they are.
  • The “what ifs” surface. At night, your brain loves to review mistakes, future fears, and all the things you “should” have done.
  • Biology plays a role. Cortisol (your stress hormone) naturally shifts throughout the day, and for some people, nighttime dips make anxious spikes more noticeable.
 
What You Can Do About It:
The goal isn’t to stop every anxious thought — it’s to give your body and mind tools to settle enough for rest.
  • Use Wise Mind. Notice if you’re stuck in Emotion Mind (“everything feels urgent”) or Reasonable Mind (“just facts”). Wise Mind balances the two. Ask: Do the facts support this level of worry right now?
  • Ground your body. Try paced breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or simply putting both feet on the floor and naming five things you see in the room.
  • Create a “parking lot.” Keep a notebook by your bed. Jot down worries or to-dos and remind yourself, this can wait until morning.
  • Set a nighttime routine. Your nervous system loves consistency. Screens off, lights dimmed, maybe tea or reading — signals to your body that it’s safe to rest.
  • Practice opposite action. If anxiety is telling you to avoid bed because you’ll just toss and turn, gently do the opposite: get into bed, breathe, and allow rest to come.
 
Bottom Line:
Your anxiety isn’t trying to ruin your night — it’s your brain’s way of scanning for danger when things get quiet. With practice, you can train it to settle down. You don’t have to wrestle with nighttime anxiety alone. With the right tools, it is possible to quiet the noise and give your body the rest it deserves.